STI?

I saw a patient the other day who complained of penile pain. I asked
about a discharge (or 'drop' as it's known here. I have no idea why
it's called that but drop it is), but no. I tried urinary symptoms.
No. On further enquiry he admitted to only having this pain after
eating spicy foods. Of course my immediate response was WHAT? Ok, I
only thought that. I asked if he was sure about this. He was adamant.
I was baffled. I examined him - NAD. I checked his urine - nothing. I
decided to just go with paracetomol. His wife was with him and I did
consider asking if he had this problem when he ate spicy foods or when
she did. But I decided to let it go.

Any ideas?

My boyfriend, the food thief

I doubt anyone else has a boyfriend/husband/partner who steals their food. I do. My boyfriend had to go to work this morning and I didn't, so I decided to make him some coffee and breakfast. There weren't many options so I decided to go for melted cheese on a roll. I made myself one too but I hid it because I thought he might try to steal it. After he'd finished eating, he went to the fridge to look for something else to eat. He settled on this liquid breakfast cereal stuff (that I usually drink in the car on my way to work in the mornings) and a red bull (ok, so the fridge isn't exactly stocked at the moment). I then decided it was safe to take my food out, but then our son needed some attention and I had to see to him quickly. When I turned back I saw that my plate was empty. Damn! My boyfriend was now on the phone in the foyer. I went to check and, sure enough, he was eating my cheese roll! I tried to get it back, but he's much taller than I am and he held it out of my reach, but I was persistant. Then he just stuffed it all in his mouth!

Nice.

Gecko

We have a resident gecko living in our new house. It lives high up on the wall just below the ceiling. At first I thought it was great. I thought it was cute. I even jokingly said to my boyfriend that I wonder if the suckers on its feet would make squishy noises when it walked. We laughed.

One evening I was home alone (my boyfriend has this tendency to work alot) when I heard a noise behind me. I turned around to see what it was but there was nothing there. Then I heard it again. I turned around, but again saw nothing. Then I heard it a third time and realised it was in fact a squishy noise. I turned to see the gecko sitting on the wall about half a metre across from where i was sitting and at my eye level. I had this eery sensation that it was watching me, but immediately thought I was being silly and dismissed the thought. But over the next couple of weeks, whenever I was alone, the gecko would come out and sit across from me. Eventually I got freaked out and chased it out onto the veranda. The next day I told my boyfriend that I'd chased the gecko out because it was stalking me. He laughed. (It was a nervous sort of laugh). I knew he thought I was crazy, but that gecko was definitely watching me.

Then, earlier this evening, I was once again sitting alone in the lounge when I saw a gecko on the wall. I wasn't sure if it was the same one (I call him Stan) so I watched him closely. It was running across the wall when it suddenly stopped and started making very strange noises. "What the hell?" I thought. Then his tail started twitching. Then his hind legs as well. I thought he was having a seizure, actually. I even considered giving him some Valium, but I didn't have any at my immediate disposal. Then, just as suddenly, it stopped. Next thing, something dropped from what I assume is its anus, but I was too afraid to go closer to investigate just in case he was actually a she and her spawn was about to hatch.

I don't think geckos are cute anymore.